Congestion Tax? Yeah Right!

Background Reading



First we hear that the red light cameras are a sham. The ‘journalistic lapdogs‘ for the Urban Cycling Community whine on about the inaccurate information about these lights. It turns out the reporting was spot on. Of course these two knuckleheads decide to bury their heads in a familiar pose for the members of the Church of Urban Cycling.

Head Up Ass The 'Church of Urban Cycling Prayer Position'

Head Up Ass
The ‘Church of Urban Cycling Prayer Position’

Next we learn that most of the red light cameras and their companion speed cameras are clustered in black-and-brown communities. Once again the Urban Cycling Community ignores the obvious and instead decides to pick a fight with the LAB organization that concluded cycling equity was unlikely in the City of Chicago.

Now in the tradition of the City of Big Shoulders comes the notion that after spending $100M dollars on a boondoggle known as the ‘606 Trail‘ and after inviting everyone to come and see this 2.7 mile ‘piece of bling‘ that because we did what they asked and lo and behold the place got congested we should now as knucklehead suburbanites be willing to pay them for the privilege of having smoke blown up our dresses.

Take A Look At How Many Events Are Held In Chicago

From international foot races to NFL Draft Day experiences, Chicago keeps asking that we come in and enjoy their hospitality. And when we do they complain that because we all came on a given day that things got a bit clogged up so they will have to relieve us of some of our cash.

Here is a much better idea. Simply forbid out of town traffic altogether. You can drive out of the city but not into the city with an automobile. Remove all the downtown parking structures and turn them into what the Urban Cycling Community wants them to be, places where people can sit and smoke weed and watch the day go by.

Forbid any of the sports pavilions from accepting parking anywhere near their sites. In fact convert the parking lots that surround all of these places into bicycle parking lots. Use the bulk of that space to hold Lollapalooza each year.

Seal off the city so that nobody is driving around except city residents. Then when you have had a year to reflect on this experiment, let me know how your coffers are looking. Did you sports attendance go up or down. How about the museums and shopping gallerias?

And all those events be certain to ensure that none of them allows anybody using a transportation mode other than a rickshaw or a Segue gets anywhere near them.

Oh and just so that things are fair and balanced, you can keep your ratty looking bikes out of the suburbs. Stop riding to towns in Indiana to enjoy beer and just buy it local. You probably will learn to love it bottled as well as you thought you did on tap.

Stay off our trails along the I&M Canal and the Fox River. And whatever you do, don’t drive out to see any of our wonderful fall color.

Keep loving that concrete jungle you have built for yourselves. I would suggest that you spend more time in your parks and lagoons but those are being dredged for body parts, so use the lakefront instead.

And after the GOP has managed to attempt to disconnect the siphoning motorist money into the coffers of the big cities where it can be squandered on additional boondoggles, go ahead and kill the Highway Trust Fund because as your ‘journalist lapdogs‘ contend everyone pays for roads, so let’s ensure that there is no mode-specific trough from which big cities of the country continue to dredge up filthy lucre for their hair-brained ideas.

How on earth does a city which has to deal with a bus crash every 36 hours think to complain about the congestion being wrought on it by suburban drivers. Nope! Keep us the heck out of your hell-hole and everyone will feel better.