Help Is On The Way For America’s Male Bicycle Commuters

Background Reading

Summary

“I don’t think the e-bike is for old people” is this girl’s sensible response to the rather leading question from the reporter of RTL-news.

“I don’t think the e-bike is for old people” is this girl’s sensible response to the rather leading question from the reporter of RTL-news.


TakeAways

e-bike-for-students from BicycleDutch on Vimeo.

You’ve seen them everywhere blathering about the benefits of cycling. These overweight middle-aged men suffer from mustaches that sag even more than their junk. In a futility they attempt to cover their heads to hide their male pattern baldness. And ornery as they are homely, they are about to get a bit of a ‘help‘.

Signs posted along Riverwalk just north of the bridge at Hillside and Washington Street clearly state no bikes are allowed on the Riverwalk. (David Sharos, Naperville Sun)

Signs posted along Riverwalk just north of the bridge at Hillside and Washington Street clearly state no bikes are allowed on the Riverwalk. (David Sharos, Naperville Sun)

Until now the only thing we have known that might keep them from suffering heat stroke while crossing an intersection in the middle of August was to allow the poor things to coast right through while ignoring the brilliantly painted red octagons with a minimized message read ‘stop‘. It seems that in places like Naperville, these guys are virtually unable to read and comprehend signs with complete sentences.

A Godsend To Those Conserving Momentum

Part of the problem might be that due to their obese conditions and inability or unwillingness to keep their tires properly inflated they work harder than they should have to. But trying to ride around in flip-flops when you are weighing it at more than the manufacturers suggested weight limit for that two-wheeled upright is gonna make bending over to do the pumping before you leave the garage nigh on impossible.

Besides it is more than difficult to keep fighting the Battle of the Bulge when you have your mouth full of pretzels and your glass filled with yet another pint of ale and you skinny jeans screaming louder than a banshee at the idea of having to try and cover your sorry behind. And goodness knows those t-shirts you sport are not doing the job of covering your Plumber’s Crack. That much pale skin with a slit up the middle is enough to frighten small children and tiny dogs!

So in an effort to keep you on the road, the world is providing two things:

  • A set of groupies who are being collected to lie to you about e-bikes. They coo that for you the question is not your age, it is about speed.
  • A set of e-bikes with batteries the size of New Jersey’s governor (whom you strongly resemble) that can get you the requisite 3 miles to the office.

What the cycling world will not be able to provide you is a chair for your desk that does not at the end of the day smell as strongly as that of your favorite radio personality, Rushbo. Nope cannot be done. By the way don’t those flip-flops need a few trips through the doggie wash up the street? Phew!

And for the rest of the known world, these e-bikes will bring equilibrium to the masses who despite claiming that cycling is great for your health also are unwilling to come to a complete stop, there is now a means of conserving your energy if not your momentum.

Women who are having trouble keeping up with their male bike lane counterparts now have a secret weapon. They can pedal sedately without flipping up their dresses and still blow past these mutts in skinny jeans with calf tattoos and never break a sweat.

And as for seniors like myself, it means being able to shoal to my hearts content. Heck I might even do a bit of ‘salmon-ing‘ just to piss the little arrogant bastards off. It will be a great day when testosterone is packaged in battery form and available to every Sally and Jane out there.