Nice Infrastructure, But Bike Lanes Are For “Woosies”

FEBRUARY 13, 2013 AT 8:23 PM

Source: Bike Snob NYC

Anonymous said…
Who rides in these silly bike lanes besides clueless suburban transplants and rent-a-tourists?
Rip ’em out. I’ll keep riding in the street where bikes belong. Fuck JSK and her little boss.

Actually, the clueless transplants and rent-a-tourists don’t ride in the bike lanes.  They just sort of salmon about randomly, or else retreat to the sidewalk where they cluster around a smartphone looking for directions to some stupid ferry landing in Brooklyn.  As for the bike lanes, they’re quite useful to actual New York City cyclists.  Firstly, they make it a lot easier to carry crap on your bike beyond what will fit in a dainty little messenger bag, such as children, groceries, or shitloads of watermelon to drop from the bridge onto passing ferries.  Secondly, there’s this thing that happens when you start getting older, where you no longer feel the need to prove your mettle in New York City traffic on every single ride.  You know how when you’re young you just want to get really drunk, but when you’re older you learn how to appreciate a fine Scotch and get really drunk expensively and slowly?  Well, the same thing happens with bikes, and sometimes you just want to get somewhere without making a big fucking sweaty countercultural deal about it.  Sure, it’s lame, but it happens to everybody–unless you get hit by a car because there aren’t enough bike lanes, or unless you’re this guy:

Lucas Brunelle

Lucas Brunelle

Do you really want to spend your middle age with a pair of cameras strapped to your helmet chasing a bunch of people half your age because you made a boring career choice?  Really, it’s not that much different from those people in Japan who go around making videos of teenage girls using the toilet.  (I’m pretty sure I read about something like that somewhere, I’ve never actually seen it, really I havent.)  Or else, if you don’t become like Lucas Brunelle, you just stop riding altogether, yet you still go on about how there shouldn’t be bike lanes now because you didn’t need them 25 years ago, like that putz John Cassidy.

So yes, we need more bike lanes, because eventually almost everybody grows up–though having said that, if they do in fact start removing bike lanes then my little deal with the city is off and I’m running every single red light I see.  I’ve been a wanton scofflaw before, and I can do it again.  If you take someone’s toilet away then eventually he’s going to have to piss on the floor, and if you take our bike infrastructure away eventually we’re going to have to piss on your stupid motor vehicle-centric traffic laws.

Worst of all, if New York City loses its bicycle infrastructure and all the media attention that comes with it then we’re only going to hear more about Portland, and I don’t think there’s a cyclist in America who wouldn’t rather ride a bicycle without a seat then hear another word about Portland.  (Portland cyclists don’t count, because Portland is not in America.)